Arms and Legs

All things considered, today has been a full day. I had my very last IV steroid drip (day 7), which means that I was finally able to wrench my right arm back from the clutches of that horrible stint. I will begin the three weeks of tapered oral steroids tomorrow. Though the nurse gave me a laundry list of side effects to expect from the new drugs, I was too busy flailing my free arm around to be too disturbed by what she was saying. (I believe that she reiterated weight gain, acne, and lethargy while kindly adding “insomnia” and “mood swings” to the list).

I ventured today, with my parents, to the grocery store and to a friend’s house. It felt good to attain even those little bits of normality, but I am utterly exhausted from them. I think of the poster that used to hang in my friend Georgia’s cubicle at work, “Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting,” and I have to laugh.The pain and inflammation in my legs today is worse than it has been in a couple of days, so I feel a little discouraged about the physical progress. And yet I continue to feel intensely blessed by this time of unmitigated focus on ultimate things. Pain certainly forces us to re-evaluate our priorities. So let me share a couple of insights with you as we look ahead to D-Day (“diagnosis” day) tomorrow.

On accepting God’s will (from Valley of Vision):

“O God whose will conquers all, there is no comfort in anything apart from enjoying thee and being engaged in thy service; Thou art all in all and all enjoyments are what to me thou makest them, and no more. I am well pleased with thy will, whatever it is, or should be in all respects, and if thou bidst me decide for myself in any affair I would choose to refer all to thee, for thou art infinitely wise and cannot do amiss as I am in danger of doing. I rejoice to think that all things are at thy disposal, and it delights me to leave them there. Then prayer turns wholly into praise, and all I can do is to adore and bless thee.” I do choose, even this night, to refer my body and soul to the Lord’s care. As its creator and redeemer, He alone is both worthy and wise enough to make decisions about my life. I often make these decisions badly, and I know so little about what actually makes for health and happiness even in my own body. I am in no danger of peril—in this life or in the next—so long as God is working out his will. So I will rest my physical body and my future hope in his loving hands.

On pleading for and expecting mercy (from Psalm 57):

“Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me. God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!”I do feel as though a storm of destruction is passing over me right now, and yet I know the master of the wind and the waves. He is the one whom my soul loves. He is the one who has rescued from the greatest danger I have ever known through the redemption of his son, Jesus. He will not forsake the work of his hands, and he will fulfill his purpose for me. I trust! I believe! Lord, help me unbelief!

I thank the Lord each time you cross my mind.