Speaking to Those in Pain

One way in which we make ourselves available to those who suffer is with language--with our words spoken to or on behalf of that person. I've spent much time talking with you about the words spoken on behalf of--namely, about intercessory prayer.

I want to briefly touch upon this other sense in which our words make us available to one another's pain.

The most natural quesiton to ask someone in pain is, "Are you feeling better?" In my case as in many others, the answer is rarely "yes." My pain ebbs and flows, but it doesn't abate. And so, as I try to respond to this question--again and again--I find myself frustrated by my answers. The question is closed, and the one who is suffering may not be able (or willing) to broaden it alone. I often say "no" and feel disappointed--disappointed that my answer cannot reflect joy or hope and disappointed when I see the sadness in the eyes of my friend. You want my pain to be better; I want it to be better. But it is unchanged.

How can we talk about this redemptively?

Here are a few others ways that I can think of to ask the question:

1) How are you hurting today?
2) Where is God working in your pain today?
3) Is this a good or a bad day for you?
4) What did the Lord teach you through yesterday's pain? Have you been able to apply that today?
5) What Scriptures are you using to deal with your pain today?
6) How can I pray for your pain right now?
7) What encourages you in your struggle today?

We all feel a new sense of pressure, and often a sense of dread, when we approach someone who is suffering. It is my theory, at least, that asking questions such as these would relieve some of the pressure on both sides. Why?

I think that it works because it focuses our collective attention on what we can control instead of what we cannot. We have very little control over our pain, but there is much diligence due in our reaction to and interpretation of it. These questions focus upon taking thoughts captive and making deliberate choices to apply what we know about God to what we feel in our pain.

Let me reiterate: I value each instance on which I have been asked, "How are you feeling?" It is right and good that you should ask! Yet I know that the desire of each person who asks, "How are you feeling?" is to edify, encourage, and learn how to better pray for me.

Asking good questions can be one way that you enable the person who is suffering to "lift their drooping hands and strengthen their weak knees."