Critical Mass?

So many of you, my dear friends, are writing or calling to tell me that I am being too severe with myself during this time--that I am demanding too much in the midst of the pain and uncertainty. In fact, if you'll pardon the pun, I began to feel today as though the sentiment was reaching critical mass.

There are ways in which I have been hard on myself all my life. I've been a perfectionist, an idealist, and a workaholic. In these overt and quantifiable ways, I have tended toward a works-based-righteousness and the inevitable condemnation that follows. Some of you have seen my long hours at work, my diligence at the gym, or the demands that I put upon myself in relationships and assumed that my deepest need is to show myself more grace.

But I have known my heart for a long time, dear friends. Where my emotional and spiritual condition is concerned, I have tended toward license and have used the disciplined lifestyle to hide the permissive soul. But, thanks be to God, that slavery to license was loosened in my heart about 1 1/2 years ago. Knowing the changes that God has worked in the intervening time, I can stand before you today and say with confidence that most of what you see in me now is the fruit of a changed desire—a desire for holiness. And the pursuit of holiness is no arbitrarily critical demand--like calories burned at the gym or hours worked overtime. This is categorically different from the condemnation under which I've lived most of my life. The standard is objective.

I don't want anyone to make excuses for me right now--I spend enough time combating the incessant, inadvertent excuses that I offer on my own behalf. I don't want you to justify my irritability or my selfishness, and I will--by the power of God's spirit--fight against the manifestation of these traits. Because we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another (Romans 12:5). My license is taken at your expense and it whispers to all who witness it that the cross is not adequate for this trial. No, I cannot give myself room for excuses when this is the message that might be conveyed. The standard is unchanged.

I'll back up a bit in Romans 12:

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

I don't want to be a different person as a person in pain--unless the pain makes me a better person. During this time, I am tempted to think of myself more highly than I ought—as though my circumstances changed for me the requirements of a righteous life. But I will fight with the Word of God for the sober judgment mentioned above; I will not be conformed but will be transformed by the renewing of my mind; and the Lord will reveal to me what is good and acceptable and perfect. These truths are not changed by my circumstances.

I thank God that so many of you are invested in my life--so invested that you would take the time to challenge me and to share your concerns. May the Lord continue to reveal himself and his will to each of us, even as we "rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, and be constant in prayer."