Encouraged and Prepared

It is 11:30PM now, and I am totally alone for the first time today. I wanted to take this opportunity to write a note to you, notwithstanding the 11:00 PM dose of morphine. I don’t have a lot of news to give, since today was mostly just a day of waiting (with no new tests).

Yesterday’s brain MRI apparently revealed some lesions, but the doctor didn’t feel as though these were significant enough for us to move forward with a diagnosis. I began the Prednisone (steroid) treatments today to deal with the inflammation. These will continue for a minimum of four days, at which time we will reassess the symptoms. More importantly, we will also have received the final round of tests on the spinal fluid at that point. I will get an interim report on the spinal fluid tomorrow but, again, this one will just provide supporting evidence. It looks like, at this point, we can’t expect any real answers until Monday.

Let me just take a moment to tell you guys how encouraged I am right now—not just about life in a theoretical sense but especially about my life in a practical sense. The Lord really has prepared me for this time. As I’ve struggled with the pain over the last few weeks, I’ve continually fought bitterness and anger toward God. On Sunday, though, it became evident to me that the Lord was changing my heart (as I had prayed that he would). I found myself asking him, “What can I do to redeem this time—since it’s becoming obvious that I can’t fight against you?” Naturally, I had a list of very practical tasks that I thought might serve as answers to that question. But as I was getting ready for work, slowly and painfully, on Monday morning, I realized that the only way for me to redeem this time is to simply be obedient.

And what does that mean? It means that I must faithfully fight anger, bitterness, or any lie that stands in opposition to the Gospel. And if I can accomplish just those three things, then these days in bed—however long they may last—are being redeemed. Several of you, in one way or another, pointed me to Romans 8 today. You probably didn’t know that it is my favorite chapter in the Bible; and you certainly didn’t know that I spent most of last week in the early part of that chapter, meditating on the hostility toward God that was in my heart and on the fact that such hostility evidences a mind set on the flesh (Rom 8:7). Yet the Lord has worked in my heart in such a way that, in less than a week’s time, I’m struck instead by the simple fact that God is for me. Do you know how quickly bitterness and anger flee when I can believe that truth?

You guys have played an important role in this process, too. All of the calls, visits, flowers, emails, and prayers—do you know how the Lord has used these things to sustain and encourage me? Even though you may have seen or heard me in tears today—do you know that many of these have been tears of joy, thanksgiving, faith and release? I feel as though I laid my burden down today, and I suspect that a few of my favorite idols may have been damaged in the process. May none of them survive this time of trial—to the praise of His glory!