Receiving and Demanding

I truly do not know how I would have survived these last 10 days without you. I am grateful to the Lord that he has not called us to bear our burdens alone but has, instead, provided both His body and His spirit to sustain us here on this earth.

The next few weeks, I suspect, are going to be a time of intense battles between flesh and spirit. The Lord himself is going to be working in me all of the benefits of suffering—endurance, character, and hope. Please pray that I will not waste these days.Writing to you has been an important way in which the Lord has enabled me to take my thoughts captive during this difficult time. For this reason, I am going to continue to journal a bit about my experiences, but I am going to discontinue the mass email format.

I have been grieved over the last two days to see my heart, time and again, demanding instead of graciously receiving the support of those around me. I find myself in that strange place of both wanting the world to stop for me and fearing that it will. Truly, the condition of our hearts determines how we receive any gift from the Lord’s hand. My response reveals the sin in my heat, and I will not treat it lightly.

It is likely that there will be no medical news before May 25, at which time I return to the neurologist for another round of testing. I will reconnect with you after that testing is complete.I do plead with you to continue your powerful and effective prayers on my behalf—prayers for my body and for my spirit. I had never known the intimate comforts of Christ, the efficiency of the Body, or the clean and enduring fear of the Lord in the ways that they have been revealed to me in these last few days. So I will calm and quiet my soul again and wait upon the Lord.

Battling Insomnia Like a King

I simply cannot tell how much of my insomnia is a result of the steroids and how much is stubborn faithlessness, though I am quite certain that each factor is playing a role here.

A prayer from Psalm 131:

O LORD, my heart is not lifted up
(I will not succumb to the worship of self; I will not believe the lie that I or my needs are ultimate. I have been and still am tempted. But I will cast my heart down).
My eyes are not raised too high
(I will not scorn those who don’t know you or are not suffering, as though I were a martyr--as though any righteousness in me were not given to me by you).
I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me
(I will not lie awake wondering, “What does tomorrow hold?”)
But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother like a weaned child is my soul within me.
(I am taking action now, within my soul, to desire what I am given and no more. I will seek to be obedient in faith, which is my duty, though not my natural inclination).
O Israel, hope in the LORD from this time forth and forevermore.
(This is a hope that produces the fruit of righteousness instead of the fruit of anxiety).

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up.

Homecoming

For the first time in 9 days, I write to you from my own apartment. I’m sobbing with exhaustion and pain and gratitude. Tears and praise free-flowing, it is good to abandon myself before the Lord. It is good to be home!

My parents helped me move back into my apartment tonight—stockpiling food and other supplies in such a way that I, theoretically, could be self-sustaining for a couple of weeks. Any need, any want; truly they have been here to serve me. Though I have often found it difficult to accept, their care for me has been exemplary. May the Lord continue to break in me the strongholds of pride and self-sufficiency that have caused me to respond accordingly.

As I consider the past week, I realize that I have no idea what my family and closest friends are thinking or feeling about my illness; I suspect that they are similarly unaware as to what my sleepless nights have held. I believe that the Lord will use my suffering in the lives of others, so I spent some time tonight considering Colossians 1. Starting with verse 24, “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church, of which I became a minister according to the stewardship from God that was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known, the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints. To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me.”

I had always found that passage perplexing until I read a sermon from John Piper a few months ago on it. Piper writes, “Paul's sufferings fill up Christ's not by adding anything to their worth, but by extending them to the people they were meant to bless. What is lacking in the afflictions of Christ is not that they are deficient in worth or merit, as though they could not sufficiently cover the sins of all who believe. What is lacking is that the infinite value of Christ's afflictions are not known in the world. They are still a mystery (hidden) to most peoples. And God's intention is that the mystery be revealed, extended to all the Gentiles. So the afflictions are lacking in the sense that they are not seen and known among the nations. They must be carried by ministers of the word. And those ministers of the word fill up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ by extending them to others.”

What if this suffering is intended not only to purify me but also to reveal the mystery of Christ to people around me? Would the Lord be pleased to reveal this mystery to some of my non-believing friends and family, even through this?

I have always been a planner, and yet I cannot tell you even what tomorrow will hold. Instead, I ought to say, “If the Lord wills, I will do this or that.” For tonight, I’m in a lot of pain. If this cup of suffering can pass from me, pray that the Lord would be pleased to remove it. Yet if Christ is most glorified by its perseverance, then pray that I would receive strength commensurate to the pain. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

"D" is not for Diagnosis

My heart is both heavy and light as I come before you this afternoon. I have concrete news that is good, and I’ll give a little bit of detail since I have several medical professionals anxiously awaiting the news. I do not have Multiple Sclerosis, as evidenced by the fact that the oligoclonal bands on my CSR (spinal fluid test) were negative, my myelin bands were normal and my thoracic spine lesions were only inconclusive. The fact that my symptoms have not diminished with aggressive steroid treatments only substantiates this diagnosis, or lack thereof.

The neurologist suggested, to my chagrin, that we continue with the next three weeks of steroid treatments on the off-chance that it could begin to affect my symptoms. His instinct, though, is that we need to begin to look at disorders of the muscle. As a result, we are going to go ahead and schedule an EMG (nerve and muscle test) to check nerve conduction. He finds the consistent swelling that I’m experiencing to be curious for a neurological disorder, so he mentioned that we might investigate rheumatologic or autoimmune possibilities next.

I believe that my pain has been more intense today that at any point since this started. I slept no more than one hour last night, and I confess that I gave way to the fear and anxiety deep in the recesses of the night. I have been weaker emotionally and less faithful to the cross on the very day when I wanted to display the sufficiency of Christ most clearly. I have snubbed the perpetual comforts that my parents have offered to me, as well as the overtures of several kind nurses at the hospital. I refused to partake in the comfort that was offered to me by the body, and I simply want to confess this to you and to God and to humbly repent.

I take solace in the fact that my sleepless night, my painful day and each temptation that came to me was allowed by God. No action that I took, word that I spoke, or opportunity that I missed—none of these things thwarted the Lord’s plans for this day. I can still rest secure in the fact that the Lord condemned sin in the flesh in order that the righteous requirements of the law might actually be met in me; there is no condemnation—not today nor in eternity.

A friend called me this morning and pointed me toward II Corinthians 1. I’ll jump ahead to verse 9, which reflects both my honest fears and my greater hope.“Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.” I began the day expressing my hope in the Lord’s deliverance, and I return to that hope now—in spite of my own weakness. For his deliverance was never contingent upon my performance! The Lord has delivered me from the guilt of my sin, he has delivered me from a diagnosis of MS, and he will deliver me again.

I read a bit from John Piper last night called “Don’t Waste Your Cancer.” I was challenged and exhorted by his perspective. The following quote is pulled from that piece, except that I have substituted “pain” for “cancer” in order that it will be more generally applicable:

You will waste your pain if you treat sin as casually as before. Are your besetting sins as attractive as they were before you had pain? If so you are wasting your pain. Pain is designed to destroy the appetite for sin. Pride, greed, lust, hatred, unforgiveness, impatience, laziness, procrastination—all these are the adversaries that pain is meant to attack. Don’t just think of battling against pain. Also think of battling with pain. All these things are worse enemies than pain. Don’t waste the power of pain to crush these foes. Let the presence of eternity make the sins of time look as futile as they really are. What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:25).

I was reminded today that pain is not my ultimate enemy. Let me reiterate: I am not a victim of pain or disease. My ultimate enemy is sin, and this pain is a weapon with which I can fight. “Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything” (II Cor 6:2-10).

Arms and Legs

All things considered, today has been a full day. I had my very last IV steroid drip (day 7), which means that I was finally able to wrench my right arm back from the clutches of that horrible stint. I will begin the three weeks of tapered oral steroids tomorrow. Though the nurse gave me a laundry list of side effects to expect from the new drugs, I was too busy flailing my free arm around to be too disturbed by what she was saying. (I believe that she reiterated weight gain, acne, and lethargy while kindly adding “insomnia” and “mood swings” to the list).

I ventured today, with my parents, to the grocery store and to a friend’s house. It felt good to attain even those little bits of normality, but I am utterly exhausted from them. I think of the poster that used to hang in my friend Georgia’s cubicle at work, “Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting,” and I have to laugh.The pain and inflammation in my legs today is worse than it has been in a couple of days, so I feel a little discouraged about the physical progress. And yet I continue to feel intensely blessed by this time of unmitigated focus on ultimate things. Pain certainly forces us to re-evaluate our priorities. So let me share a couple of insights with you as we look ahead to D-Day (“diagnosis” day) tomorrow.

On accepting God’s will (from Valley of Vision):

“O God whose will conquers all, there is no comfort in anything apart from enjoying thee and being engaged in thy service; Thou art all in all and all enjoyments are what to me thou makest them, and no more. I am well pleased with thy will, whatever it is, or should be in all respects, and if thou bidst me decide for myself in any affair I would choose to refer all to thee, for thou art infinitely wise and cannot do amiss as I am in danger of doing. I rejoice to think that all things are at thy disposal, and it delights me to leave them there. Then prayer turns wholly into praise, and all I can do is to adore and bless thee.” I do choose, even this night, to refer my body and soul to the Lord’s care. As its creator and redeemer, He alone is both worthy and wise enough to make decisions about my life. I often make these decisions badly, and I know so little about what actually makes for health and happiness even in my own body. I am in no danger of peril—in this life or in the next—so long as God is working out his will. So I will rest my physical body and my future hope in his loving hands.

On pleading for and expecting mercy (from Psalm 57):

“Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me. God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!”I do feel as though a storm of destruction is passing over me right now, and yet I know the master of the wind and the waves. He is the one whom my soul loves. He is the one who has rescued from the greatest danger I have ever known through the redemption of his son, Jesus. He will not forsake the work of his hands, and he will fulfill his purpose for me. I trust! I believe! Lord, help me unbelief!

I thank the Lord each time you cross my mind.

Numbering My Days

Just a couple of months ago, I recited a portion of Psalm 90 as my toast at my best friend’s wedding. “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” The words are coming back to me today, as I fail to esteem the moments that make up my life—wishing them to feel somehow differently than they, in fact, do. As if I knew, for a moment, the things that make for happiness!

The Psalm resumes immediately with this cry, “Return, O Lord! How long? Have pity on your servants! Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil. Let your work be shown to your servants, and your glorious power to their children. Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!”How many times in Scripture do we read that our mourning will be turned to gladness? That the Lord will restore the years that the locusts have eaten? There are so many ways that the Bible expresses this idea that our suffering is purposeful both in this life and in the next. So I am resting in that hope.

Practically, the headache has not returned at all and my spine is a bit less sore. My feet and legs are more swollen than they have been, though, so you might not notice that I’m walking with any more ease than I was yesterday. But I am! I have no real news today, other than the word of my neurologist appointment on Wednesday at 10:30AM. It is very likely that I will receive an actual diagnosis at this time, so you can imagine that I have mixed feelings as I look ahead. You may pray with me this Psalm tonight (102: 18-28)—

MEDITATION: Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord: that he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the Lord looked at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die (such was I!)…

APPLICATION: that they may declare in Zion the name of the Lord, and in Jerusalem his praise, when peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the Lord. He has broken my strength in midcourse; he has shortened my days…

SUPPLICATION: “O my God,” I say, “Take me not away in the midst of my days—you whose years endure throughout all generations!” Of old you laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you will remain; they will all wear out like a garment. You will change them like a robe, and they will pass away, but you are the same, and your years have no end. The children of your servants shall dwell secure; their offspring shall be established before you.It is a privilege to me to be on both the giving and the receiving end of this comfort in affliction (II Cor. 1:4).

May the Lord continue to build us into a body willing to share in his comforts and in his afflictions. I love you dearly.

Spinal Tap Blues

Perhaps the toughest day yet (pray that this will not be a trend!), and yet the Lord’s sustaining hand has been obvious. My sleepless night last night gave me ample opportunity to research the “spinal tap headache” which occurs in 20% of spinal tap cases, so I knew a little bit about what the day would hold when I awoke. Spinal tap headaches are said to be the most painful headaches to have, and they cause nausea, imbalance and photosensitivity worse than severe migraines. As a result, I had to go back to the ER today and have a “blood patch”—which means that they basically repeated the spinal tap except that, this time, they added blood to my spine rather than removing spinal fluid. For the record, it was just as painful as it was the first time they started poking around my spinal cord. I cannot remember feeling so physically and emotionally terrified in my life, and yet the headache has eased.

I had just a moment, when my parents left me to run errands, to praise God for this specific relief. I played Amazing Grace (Chris Tomlin version) on my laptop, thought about my former chains, and accepted this lighter burden again from the Lord’s hand. I will return to the hospital for another steroid treatment tomorrow. Please pray for favor in several arenas when we go--we have to set up appointments with the neurologist and my general practitioner, and we also have some hope that my spinal tap results may be available tomorrow. In theory, at least, we could be forced to wait (up to two weeks) for an appointment with the neurologist to get those results. Pray that all of this would work out quickly and smoothly.

Several of you have prayed with me tonight. I can only say that this is the thing I need. I cannot talk with all of you, but I would love for you to write out your prayers and let me read them and offer them again as my own. I would love that more than anything!

Trusting our good father to reveal his faithfulness even in this…

Afraid

I am so afraid tonight that I can’t even tell where the paralysis is coming from. Is it in my feet and legs? Running along my spinal cord? Or is it only in my head? The debilitating pain has been with me all day, and it’s keeping me up tonight—Vicodin notwithstanding. Morphine notwithstanding. None of it has helped.

I always knew that my mind was an enemy, but I never suspected my body. Will I be able to run again? To live alone? To work a 40-hour week? Will I get to have sex (and enjoy it?), to have kids (and enjoy them?). Will a man find me attractive after a few years with a disability? What will “beautiful” even mean at that point? How will I cope with the pain? What about the depression? What, how, why, why, why?

Lord Jesus, save me from myself. Let me see myself as your blessed child instead of feeling myself to be condemned.I’m lying here and remembering the doctor’s questions, “Did you plan to get married? Have kids? What were your plans before now?” I offered only tears in response. He looked at me directly and said, “Your life is going to change, but your plans don’t have to.” Though I get the point, it’s not so easy in the dark night to differentiate between the two. The land of the living looks pretty dreary through these shades.

Oh God, “be to me a rock of refuge to which I may continually come. You have given the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress." Save me now, my God, not from this diseased body but from this faithless heart. “You, who have made me to see many troubles and calamities, will revive me again.” I will wait for you, I will trust in you, and I will hope in you, my God. Whom have I in heaven or on earth, but you?

Will He Not Graciously Give Us All Things?

I’ll give you a bit more of an update today than I offered yesterday. First, let me say that I’ve finally been able to sleep, so thank you for the prayers offered specifically for that purpose.

You know that I was discharged yesterday and that I’m staying in a hotel with my parents. Although the doctors told me yesterday that it could be up to two weeks until I know something, I cannot explain to you how calm I feel. They told me that I will gain weight, develop acne, and feel lethargic on the steroids—almost a bad a prognosis as MS in my mind! And yet I can only say that feel blessed. I’m not faking or being strong—it’s honestly how I feel. I think back to the verse in Romans 15 that says, “For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” It’s not a giddy or a heady hope, but it’s a sober and steady one that just spills out through the pages of the Bible and runs all through my life now. I’ve never felt so physically tired and weak in my life, and yet I’ve never been stronger.

Today has been the hardest day thus far, both physically and emotionally. Physically, I’m struggling with nausea and perpetual headaches in addition to the muscle pain and weakness. Emotionally, I don’t have to tell you guys that it’s tough to go from running 15-20 mi/week and managing a busy life solo to being unable to drive or even to get from Point A to Point B without excruciating pain and utter exhaustion. It is scary not to know how much of the pain and weakness is the temporary result of trauma and adjustment and how much may be a “new normal.” I am just fighting to remember—as I struggle not to demand what I don’t have—that “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”

Your prayers are more comfort to me than you will ever know. I feel much too weak today to fight for myself, so I will let you intercede.Attached is a picture that my friend Paul took tonight. It’s no glamour shot, but perhaps it will give you guys some comfort. Oh, and for my friends at GNP, these are the flowers that you sent! My hotel room looks like a garden!

Released

I am officially released from the hospital and have taken up temporary residence with my parents at the Holiday Inn in Carol Stream (630-681-7309 room 134). I’m too tired (so, so tired!) to offer any reflections, but I’ll give you a brief report.

Basically, I met with the third of the three neurologists; this doctor, without ever confirming that I have MS, assumed it for the entirety of our discussion. He even suggested that I locate a support group. He shifted my IV steroid regimen from 5 days to 7 days (followed by three weeks of oral steroids). He warned me that it could even be Wednesday before my results (aka the actual diagnosis) are available.

A friend offered these verses to me from Psalm 71, and I am clinging to them tonight—“Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come;you have given the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.”

The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, through your prayers, is sustaining me right now.

Encouraged and Prepared

It is 11:30PM now, and I am totally alone for the first time today. I wanted to take this opportunity to write a note to you, notwithstanding the 11:00 PM dose of morphine. I don’t have a lot of news to give, since today was mostly just a day of waiting (with no new tests).

Yesterday’s brain MRI apparently revealed some lesions, but the doctor didn’t feel as though these were significant enough for us to move forward with a diagnosis. I began the Prednisone (steroid) treatments today to deal with the inflammation. These will continue for a minimum of four days, at which time we will reassess the symptoms. More importantly, we will also have received the final round of tests on the spinal fluid at that point. I will get an interim report on the spinal fluid tomorrow but, again, this one will just provide supporting evidence. It looks like, at this point, we can’t expect any real answers until Monday.

Let me just take a moment to tell you guys how encouraged I am right now—not just about life in a theoretical sense but especially about my life in a practical sense. The Lord really has prepared me for this time. As I’ve struggled with the pain over the last few weeks, I’ve continually fought bitterness and anger toward God. On Sunday, though, it became evident to me that the Lord was changing my heart (as I had prayed that he would). I found myself asking him, “What can I do to redeem this time—since it’s becoming obvious that I can’t fight against you?” Naturally, I had a list of very practical tasks that I thought might serve as answers to that question. But as I was getting ready for work, slowly and painfully, on Monday morning, I realized that the only way for me to redeem this time is to simply be obedient.

And what does that mean? It means that I must faithfully fight anger, bitterness, or any lie that stands in opposition to the Gospel. And if I can accomplish just those three things, then these days in bed—however long they may last—are being redeemed. Several of you, in one way or another, pointed me to Romans 8 today. You probably didn’t know that it is my favorite chapter in the Bible; and you certainly didn’t know that I spent most of last week in the early part of that chapter, meditating on the hostility toward God that was in my heart and on the fact that such hostility evidences a mind set on the flesh (Rom 8:7). Yet the Lord has worked in my heart in such a way that, in less than a week’s time, I’m struck instead by the simple fact that God is for me. Do you know how quickly bitterness and anger flee when I can believe that truth?

You guys have played an important role in this process, too. All of the calls, visits, flowers, emails, and prayers—do you know how the Lord has used these things to sustain and encourage me? Even though you may have seen or heard me in tears today—do you know that many of these have been tears of joy, thanksgiving, faith and release? I feel as though I laid my burden down today, and I suspect that a few of my favorite idols may have been damaged in the process. May none of them survive this time of trial—to the praise of His glory!

From Shin Splints to the ER

I'm not going to write much, since I'm sore from head to toe. Here's a quick update for those of you who have just gotten pieces of information. In general, all of the testing right now is basically being conducted to either confirm or reject the possibility of MS. They say that it's 50-60% likely that I have it.

1. Ultrasound says no blood clots
2. Gen MRI is inconclusive--possible spinal issues
3. Spinal tap shows no infection but must be further analyzed for MS
4. Results not back from Brain MRI

They have started me on steriods tonight. There is a small possibilty (best-case scenario) that I might just have some type of vicious virus that the steroids would destroy. If this were to happen, the whole thing might be over in five days. But that's probably a long shot right now.If the tests come back negative for MS, then I think that we just have to start all over. Honestly, nobody has been able to tell me what any other possibilities might be.I have felt the Lord's presence powerfully today--in the presence, the tears, the arms, and the prayers of my friends.

The Lord guided me to Psalm 16 as I prepared to go in for the MRI (I'm a little claustrophobic), and I just recited these words to myself for the whole 45 mins, "I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." I could almost feel him there with me.For the most part, it's best for me to just connect with folks through email. I've not been able to keep up with the phone calls today.

My parents will be driving in from West TN tomorrow morning. Please keep them in your prayers.