Giving Thanks When I Don't Feel Thankful

I met with my pastor and several other leaders at church this morning to pray for my health. Over the past two to three weeks, an alarming number of new symptoms have manifested themselves in my body--each one bringing with it new or increased temptations to anger, anxiety, fear, and self-pity. My specific requests were for bodily healing and for endurance, faith, and hope throughout this trial. We prayed for my body in accordance with James 5, and we prayed for my heart in accordance with Colossians 3.

I have been challenged several times in recent weeks to consciously practice gratitude. Gratitude is not my natural posture; my natural posture is a bit defensive and overwhelmingly cynical. My natural posture is that of a natural man. But that man, according to Gal. 2:20, has been crucified with Christ and no longer lives. If this cynical and defensive self has been crucified, then it's time he started acting like a dead man. The call to thanksgiving is not just for those who feel like giving thanks.

Two weeks ago, I received divine provision for my housing needs. The provision didn't come the way I'd expected or hoped; it came in a way that humbled me and called me to perseverance. Walk with me all the way back to the wilderness. Deuteronomy 8:2-4 says:

And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years.

In A Hunger for God, John Piper reflects on this passage:

"Notice carefully. Now he is saying that the giving of manna is the test. Not the withholding of food, but the giving of food--to teach them that man does not live by bread alone. He gave them manna, an utterly unheard-of food falling from heaven. Why? So that they would learn, Moses says, to live on everything that comes from the mouth of God. Now how is that? How does the giving of miraculous manna teach that? Because manna is one of the incredible ways God can, with a mere word, meet your needs when all else looks hopeless. So Moses' point is that we must learn to depend on God and not ourselves. We must trust him for every utterly unexpected blessing that is commanded for us from the mouth of God."

This provision itself is one way that God is teaching me that every thing I have comes from Him. God has been faithful to provide for my needs; the manna continues to come in different areas of my life. As I eat this strange bread, I must fight against self-pity and cynicism. I must fight for joy and for gratitude. For this reason, I intend to begin posting brief "bursts" of thanksgiving here. I have tried, in less structured ways, to cultivate a heart of gratitude. But my efforts have been anemic, at best. It is my hope that this blog will help to hold me accountable in this discipline of gratitude and that the Lord will change the orientation of my heart.

I will give thanks until I feel thankful. I will give thanks in faith that God will lift my eyes to behold his glory. "Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble" (from Psalm 107).

Magnificent Defeat

This old Wes King song has been ringing in my ears for the past few days. Perhaps it will help me explain to you my silence. I have not forgotten you. I have not abandoned this blog or the hope of ministering to others through it. But I am wrestling--night and day I am wrestling. From my first sinful thought to my last act of faith each day, I am fighting. I wrestle with my own blindness and dullness. I cry out to the Lord, "But now [my] strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at” (Num 11:6). I forget or I refuse to believe that manna is provided for eating in faith, and I demand food for my eyes. I "see no manna." So I pray for a grateful and contented heart, remembering all that I have in Christ:

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.

But there is more to wrestling than just fighting sin. As I limp, as I fight, as darkness sets in and I find that I am not alone, I remember Jacob and I wrestle again (Gen. 32:22-32):

And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.

Jacob did not feel defeated as he limped away from this encounter, and I think of him when the pain feels like too much to bear. We see no sign of self-pity in Jacob's analysis of his own situation: "For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered," he exclaims. Jacob had eyes to see--first, to see God and second, to see himself in proper relation to God. When I allow myself to be defeated in my own mind, I can still see God on his throne. But since defeat still feels like defeat, I draw strength from these words:

Magnificent Defeat

What is my purpose for being here?
I've had no burning bush or voices in my ear.
I have been wandering for all these years
But I've seen no manna, or angels appear.

Now I long for the solace of my soul
I have wandered from pole to pole.
here I lie, broken at your feet
Rejoicing at this magnificent defeat.

I have been wrestling all through the night
But the darkness hides the face of the one I fight.
Beloved enemy, demands my life and all I am.
But then he blesses me and gives it back again.

Now I long for the solace of my soul
I have wandered from pole to pole.
Here I lie, broken at your feet
Rejoicing, rejoicing, rejoicing at this magnificent defeat.

I am fighting on fronts other than this blog right now, though I hope to return soon. Until then, I am trusting God to make the bones that he has broken to rejoice!