Magnificent Defeat

This old Wes King song has been ringing in my ears for the past few days. Perhaps it will help me explain to you my silence. I have not forgotten you. I have not abandoned this blog or the hope of ministering to others through it. But I am wrestling--night and day I am wrestling. From my first sinful thought to my last act of faith each day, I am fighting. I wrestle with my own blindness and dullness. I cry out to the Lord, "But now [my] strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at” (Num 11:6). I forget or I refuse to believe that manna is provided for eating in faith, and I demand food for my eyes. I "see no manna." So I pray for a grateful and contented heart, remembering all that I have in Christ:

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.

But there is more to wrestling than just fighting sin. As I limp, as I fight, as darkness sets in and I find that I am not alone, I remember Jacob and I wrestle again (Gen. 32:22-32):

And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.

Jacob did not feel defeated as he limped away from this encounter, and I think of him when the pain feels like too much to bear. We see no sign of self-pity in Jacob's analysis of his own situation: "For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered," he exclaims. Jacob had eyes to see--first, to see God and second, to see himself in proper relation to God. When I allow myself to be defeated in my own mind, I can still see God on his throne. But since defeat still feels like defeat, I draw strength from these words:

Magnificent Defeat

What is my purpose for being here?
I've had no burning bush or voices in my ear.
I have been wandering for all these years
But I've seen no manna, or angels appear.

Now I long for the solace of my soul
I have wandered from pole to pole.
here I lie, broken at your feet
Rejoicing at this magnificent defeat.

I have been wrestling all through the night
But the darkness hides the face of the one I fight.
Beloved enemy, demands my life and all I am.
But then he blesses me and gives it back again.

Now I long for the solace of my soul
I have wandered from pole to pole.
Here I lie, broken at your feet
Rejoicing, rejoicing, rejoicing at this magnificent defeat.

I am fighting on fronts other than this blog right now, though I hope to return soon. Until then, I am trusting God to make the bones that he has broken to rejoice!