Sick and Tired

The irony of a post entitled "sick and tired" after I put a moratorium on complaining is not lost on me. But, before the Lord, I say these things remembering that we are members of one another and desiring to humbly let my needs be known.

I don't speak all that regularly anymore about my actual illness. I talk about the derivative issues, such as anger, but I am typically silent about the physical struggles. It's not that I am trying to be brave; really, I'm just trying to live around my illness (with "live" being the operative word). I was reminded tonight, though, of what it means to inhabit a body that is sick and tired.

My small group had decided to attend an outdoor concert this evening, so I was poised to go--bug spray, lawn chair, etc. My feet and legs were pretty swollen, but I tried to ignore that and drove over to the concert site.

About half-way through the 20 minute commute, though, I had to admit to myself that it really was quite uncomfortable to drive. The swelling had worsened to the point that it felt like my tennis shoes would just burst. I got to the concert site and, to my dismay, could not find any place to park that wouldn't require at least 5 or 6 blocks of walking. Feeling frustrated and utterly defeated, I drove back home. Now it hurts even to stand, and I don't know why. Will you ask the Lord for healing and rest for my body? Will you pray for me as I go (for the first time) to a podiatrist tomorrow morning at 8:15?

In light of all that has happened over the past few months, particularly with the accumulated medical bills and related expenses, I have decided to give up my apartment. Though I live in the cheapest one-bedroom apartment around, I live alone. I no longer have that luxury, so I am exploring other options. By the grace of God, this search will be conducted diligently but not frantically or fearfully--even though I have only a few weeks to make a decision. I am confident that this move of fiscal responsibility is the right one to make, so I ask mostly that you pray that I will have faith enough (as I do due diligence) to await the Lord's provision. Truly, I have light enough for this step and this step only.

Though I am sick and tired tonight, I am still hopeful. I look ahead at the questions to be answered and the decisions to be made and I declare with the Psalmist, "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning" (Psalm 130:5-6).